Cynthia; 1991
jtps. lps. cgs. jjc. nus bba.
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Monday, December 5, 2016 @ 2:03 AM
So I think it's pointless now.

Situation + Thinking = Response
Given the same situation, with different thinking comes a different response. There's no way I can change one's thinking and if one's mindset and perception is set, I can't avoid the negative response either.

It's just such a shame that expectations have been so different and what I thought was a friendship turns out to be something else. Perhaps I could have done more to rectify it, perhaps I could have tried harder and be a better friend. Or perhaps I shouldn't have tried at all.

When misunderstanding mashes up with pride and ego, all you get is nothing but regret. I hope our souls are filled with more positivity and happiness as time goes. X
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Sunday, October 23, 2016 @ 11:16 PM
The years I let the poison let in, the secrets I've locked up in the chest and let myself sink. I didn't need saving, I didn't want saving, I wanted to fall.

I knew all I needed was that tipping point. 

It was a test of who I really am. The venom will stay in my body to remind me how toxic it was. I've since resolved to be a better person, to once again be honest to myself.
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Saturday, October 8, 2016 @ 2:21 PM
Got to end what I got to end.
/
The 5ams, the fear, the lies, those tears amidst the hearty laughter. Long overdue, toxic, I let myself sink.

There's been triggers which pierced through my heart, which woke me up despite wanting to stay in denial, despite wanting to believe endlessly.

But now it's time to go. I choose the light, not the darkness. I choose the right, not the lie. I choose a better me, not the vulnerable self.

/
用新的幸福 把遗憾包着 就这么朝着 未来前进了
有再多的不舍 也要狠心割舍
别回头看我 亲爱的
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Wednesday, October 5, 2016 @ 12:11 AM
Thank you for being the sunshine and the shot of positivity. If I could, I'd love to have the energy all time high, I'd love to spread and share all the love and energy I have to everyone who matters. But at times I do get tired and I need that shot of positivity too. I need the alternative perspective to get me back on track. I need that guiding star.

While being strong, I'm still weak. While being self-sufficient, I still need the selfless care. While being crazy, I still need to be happy.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2016 @ 12:06 AM
It turns out to be an unexpected day of realisation, discovery and perhaps a little start to the turning point. On so many levels.

I've always been told that I'm ambitious, that perhaps I have the potential to go far, I am clear of my direction, I have my plans, etc. Even to the point where I don't see them as strongly as how others will put it across to me. But what I always take for granted is I will always be here. What has been presented to me recently seem to have taken a spin. And I could picture a very different future for myself, one i never would see myself in few years back or even one year back. My lunch buddy for today, one whose here for a year and became a friend, told me "you can do way better than this. There is so much more you can do than just this." it triggered memories of this banker whom I interacted with in my very first office job who looked at me with that stunned expression and said "you're 19 now? Business? Yea I'm sure you'll go far in life." it's all these casual comments that somehow lie in the back of my head and they all just come back all at once and made me reconsider how I'm leading my life. Its the first time I put in serious thoughts into it, and to be honest, it scares the he'll out of me. At the same time, it excites me knowing that there are more out there for me. 
This for now remains as an open question but I guess I'm slowly opening that door which I've shut tight since many years before.

And realisation 2, came as a surprise! Which led to many reflections of how I manage my people relations. Well maybe I've been too selfish and always going back to my own ego and defense. It has always been my downfall. Is a weakness i can't seem to shake off for yyyyyears/eons. Doesn't matter that now I'm slowly rebuilding myself and leaving behind loads of my old self behind. There's only so much I can bring forward, and there's so much I need to leave behind and close the chapter. To the toxic relationships which I may have held on for way too long, I think expiration date is up.


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Friday, September 16, 2016 @ 12:28 AM
"I'm just reflecting what is wrong with me."

So I keep messing things up when it comes to people around me. So it seems the closer we are, the more hurt is inflicted. I'd never forget the first time I experienced it, it's been almost a decade omg when my closest friend in school decided to ignore me altogether for no reason. Up till now, close friends come and go on both good and bad note.

Having said all that.. I have the constant who always got my back and I'm than thankful for that. Maybe I really should just forgo and forget everyone else.
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Sunday, September 4, 2016 @ 9:57 PM
Lost.

In this deep ocean where its dark, where I find it hard to breathe. Where I let myself sink deeper, let the flow determine where I go. I let myself go entirely, blindly believing in the words I want to hear.

Its been a while, and with each day it gets harder. The extreme ups and downs - its taking away all of my energy. I had painted a future, I could see it happen, I had a plan to follow. It all went haywire after, and so now I'm (still) lost. Trying to find the space I need, fighting to see the light I want to see. But right now, there's still nothing.

明知道答案,却还继续挣扎。我真的被考倒了。



或許淒美 在曖昧
海與夕陽之間金黃的一切
海岸線在起霧 似乎是離別適合的季節
霧散後只看見 長髮的妳出現在岸邊
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Wednesday, August 24, 2016 @ 12:00 AM
So there you go. Zapping up all my energy stealing all my thoughts.

Had a good long chat and essentially spilling all the beans tonight with a trusted friend. It's been a while since I feel like I've lost my compass and direction. I thought I'd be able to hold up to it and be ok with the mess. But really, I can't. I start to lose track of my own schedule I start to be in a huge mess where I can't make proper decisions.

Do I know where I'm going? Do I need to know where I'm going? Should I follow the flow and follow my heart and risk it all? Or make the most logical decision and feel the pain all over again? I know I really am lost this time. But how do I find the way again?
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Tuesday, August 9, 2016 @ 7:23 PM
And the trigger.

It finally happened. The scenario I always hope wouldn't. I did what I had to and averted the crisis, I suppose. But it triggered so much more.

It is actually within my control - but I chose up to give up the control.
I know the most rational decision to take - but I chose not to.

So at the end of the day, there is still no answer. And I'm still the same.
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Saturday, August 6, 2016 @ 2:18 AM
So I've break so many rules.

"Don't ever drink with colleagues!" "Don't spend Friday night's with colleagues!" "Never tell them your personal problems!"

Rules I set for myself before stepping into the workforce thinking I can separate my work and personal life. But when you meet colleagues whom are sincere, genuine and could hit it off with you - they essentially become friends. And you love spending time with them and you trust them.

I found friends amongst the wider team whom I can trust and aligned views and values. I found the ones who support me through my slightly overcast skies when things were going downhill. Hearing my frustrations and mini heart breaks, feeding me ice cream to cheer me up, giving me sound advice and essentially keeping me sane on a day to day. I just couldn't be more thankful to have found amazing companion in the office.

Though, all good things come to an end. I'm happy for them definitely :) I'm just hoping and praying our friendship doesn't end here - like how many other friendships have died away. With the small circle we have, I'm sure one day some way or another we will meet again and work together on a regular basis. And by then we would all be grown up with new perspectives and hopefully with less frustrations.

So perhaps I didn't break the rules. I just forgot the possibility of making friends from colleagues. :')
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Monday, July 4, 2016 @ 8:39 AM
If i were a better person, I should be there with you now, fulfiling the "future" we once talked about, the "future" I pictured in my head as the end of a chapter and beginning of a brand new one where we never have to walk alone again.

If I were a better person, I wouldn't be hiding behind the screen trying to guess how you have been, showing concern while hiding and still hoping for nothing.

If I were a better person, we would be a better pair.

But I eventually chose to forgo them all because the heart and mind couldn't align. I tried working through it but maybe I didn't work hard enough or maybe somethings just can't be worked out.

这次是真的失望了。
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Monday, May 30, 2016 @ 12:02 AM
"So what do you do during weekends now that you're free?"

It was get back in shape weekend!!!
Fri night was spent with great bunch of people - all who are colleagues who turn into friends.
Spent my Saturday morning in the gym with my sister. Went to one at a different location this time round due to class' timing and I absolutely loved the view from the gym.
Short run with me bff on Sunday morn, n sinful but light breakfast after. Cycling with the uni friends in the late afternoon at one of my fav but far places in sg.

Its been a really lovely weekend meeting people I love and getting my muscles work out.

"Honestly there is no difference. I had always been on my own during weekends anyway."
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Saturday, May 7, 2016 @ 10:05 AM
Old habits.

Back to drinks. Back to my immature self who just wants to feel like i can't feel and can't think.

It took my great commitment to stop. There was a good reason for me to stop. But not anymore. It pushes me the other way now.

I really wonder what is it that i need for me to get my life in place. Or like what everyone says, go out and get wild for I'm still young. I guess so long i hang in to my core, my actions would follow. So long i betray myself no more.

Can't wait for adventures ahead of me.
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Monday, April 25, 2016 @ 10:21 PM
所以最后,还是失望的放弃了。

对我来说这又是多一次的惨败。我第一次成熟的,不被感情冲昏脑袋地经营,最后还是失败散场。对自己可还比对任何人更失望。我到底又哪里犯错了?

青涩的我,中学时 和我较亲的老师,朋友,说了我的梦想。也就是一个很简单,很朴实的梦想。却一次次的被摔毁。不到十六岁,就交了个男朋友。到了今天却还不懂怎么经营一段感情。

身边的朋友,亲人,也应该厌倦了吧!说真的,我也累了。我已经不明白了。或许在别人眼里,到了现在我应该什么都麻木了吧。说实在的,我也以为会如此。但今天谈起往事,聊起过去的点滴,心里却还是不由自主的。。痛了。哎!原来还有知觉!幸亏啊!

这四年来,我学会了闭嘴 - 不要把所有的事都摊开。不是每个在身边的会明白,会体谅。我学会了有些事只能放在心里。所以最后,当我决定开口把话说明,听着自己的声音,听着从我口中说出脑子里和心里说出来的 - 我也痛了。

虽然终于明白自己真正的心情,但还是没有后悔,没有遗憾。更不怪谁。也只剩下回忆,和对自己的失望。

朋友,同事们的关心,我也心领了。只是要从新出发,现在也太早了。我想学会更加爱自己,把心思放在自己的身上。那卑微的梦想,就随缘吧。。
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Tuesday, April 19, 2016 @ 7:22 PM
你的温柔迟到了。
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