Cynthia; 1991
jtps. lps. cgs. jjc. nus bba.
facebook
tumblr
Wednesday, August 24, 2016 @ 12:00 AM
So there you go. Zapping up all my energy stealing all my thoughts.

Had a good long chat and essentially spilling all the beans tonight with a trusted friend. It's been a while since I feel like I've lost my compass and direction. I thought I'd be able to hold up to it and be ok with the mess. But really, I can't. I start to lose track of my own schedule I start to be in a huge mess where I can't make proper decisions.

Do I know where I'm going? Do I need to know where I'm going? Should I follow the flow and follow my heart and risk it all? Or make the most logical decision and feel the pain all over again? I know I really am lost this time. But how do I find the way again?
0 comments: leave a comment
Tuesday, August 9, 2016 @ 7:23 PM
And the trigger.

It finally happened. The scenario I always hope wouldn't. I did what I had to and averted the crisis, I suppose. But it triggered so much more.

It is actually within my control - but I chose up to give up the control.
I know the most rational decision to take - but I chose not to.

So at the end of the day, there is still no answer. And I'm still the same.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, August 6, 2016 @ 2:18 AM
So I've break so many rules.

"Don't ever drink with colleagues!" "Don't spend Friday night's with colleagues!" "Never tell them your personal problems!"

Rules I set for myself before stepping into the workforce thinking I can separate my work and personal life. But when you meet colleagues whom are sincere, genuine and could hit it off with you - they essentially become friends. And you love spending time with them and you trust them.

I found friends amongst the wider team whom I can trust and aligned views and values. I found the ones who support me through my slightly overcast skies when things were going downhill. Hearing my frustrations and mini heart breaks, feeding me ice cream to cheer me up, giving me sound advice and essentially keeping me sane on a day to day. I just couldn't be more thankful to have found amazing companion in the office.

Though, all good things come to an end. I'm happy for them definitely :) I'm just hoping and praying our friendship doesn't end here - like how many other friendships have died away. With the small circle we have, I'm sure one day some way or another we will meet again and work together on a regular basis. And by then we would all be grown up with new perspectives and hopefully with less frustrations.

So perhaps I didn't break the rules. I just forgot the possibility of making friends from colleagues. :')
0 comments: leave a comment
Monday, July 4, 2016 @ 8:39 AM
If i were a better person, I should be there with you now, fulfiling the "future" we once talked about, the "future" I pictured in my head as the end of a chapter and beginning of a brand new one where we never have to walk alone again.

If I were a better person, I wouldn't be hiding behind the screen trying to guess how you have been, showing concern while hiding and still hoping for nothing.

If I were a better person, we would be a better pair.

But I eventually chose to forgo them all because the heart and mind couldn't align. I tried working through it but maybe I didn't work hard enough or maybe somethings just can't be worked out.

这次是真的失望了。
1 comments: leave a comment
Monday, May 30, 2016 @ 12:02 AM
"So what do you do during weekends now that you're free?"

It was get back in shape weekend!!!
Fri night was spent with great bunch of people - all who are colleagues who turn into friends.
Spent my Saturday morning in the gym with my sister. Went to one at a different location this time round due to class' timing and I absolutely loved the view from the gym.
Short run with me bff on Sunday morn, n sinful but light breakfast after. Cycling with the uni friends in the late afternoon at one of my fav but far places in sg.

Its been a really lovely weekend meeting people I love and getting my muscles work out.

"Honestly there is no difference. I had always been on my own during weekends anyway."
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, May 7, 2016 @ 10:05 AM
Old habits.

Back to drinks. Back to my immature self who just wants to feel like i can't feel and can't think.

It took my great commitment to stop. There was a good reason for me to stop. But not anymore. It pushes me the other way now.

I really wonder what is it that i need for me to get my life in place. Or like what everyone says, go out and get wild for I'm still young. I guess so long i hang in to my core, my actions would follow. So long i betray myself no more.

Can't wait for adventures ahead of me.
0 comments: leave a comment
Monday, April 25, 2016 @ 10:21 PM
所以最后,还是失望的放弃了。

对我来说这又是多一次的惨败。我第一次成熟的,不被感情冲昏脑袋地经营,最后还是失败散场。对自己可还比对任何人更失望。我到底又哪里犯错了?

青涩的我,中学时 和我较亲的老师,朋友,说了我的梦想。也就是一个很简单,很朴实的梦想。却一次次的被摔毁。不到十六岁,就交了个男朋友。到了今天却还不懂怎么经营一段感情。

身边的朋友,亲人,也应该厌倦了吧!说真的,我也累了。我已经不明白了。或许在别人眼里,到了现在我应该什么都麻木了吧。说实在的,我也以为会如此。但今天谈起往事,聊起过去的点滴,心里却还是不由自主的。。痛了。哎!原来还有知觉!幸亏啊!

这四年来,我学会了闭嘴 - 不要把所有的事都摊开。不是每个在身边的会明白,会体谅。我学会了有些事只能放在心里。所以最后,当我决定开口把话说明,听着自己的声音,听着从我口中说出脑子里和心里说出来的 - 我也痛了。

虽然终于明白自己真正的心情,但还是没有后悔,没有遗憾。更不怪谁。也只剩下回忆,和对自己的失望。

朋友,同事们的关心,我也心领了。只是要从新出发,现在也太早了。我想学会更加爱自己,把心思放在自己的身上。那卑微的梦想,就随缘吧。。
0 comments: leave a comment
Tuesday, April 19, 2016 @ 7:22 PM
你的温柔迟到了。
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, April 9, 2016 @ 6:41 AM
So i learnt something new about myself tonight.

When i was 21, i stopped myself from doing certain things because i was convinced they were wrong, and i was commited. Just a few years later, i thought i must have missed out on some fun & experience because i made that commitment. So i tried to live the experience to make up for the "loss". But what i realised, you can never ever do that. When you made a commitment, you can never reverse it. It still feels to be wrong and i did not enjoy nor persist with it.

It was still good, knowing myself a little more, an unexpected lesson. In fact, while it messes up my mind more, it gives me more clarity at the same time.

I guess I've learnt well by the time im 21 and i should never doubt my past decisions made or try to go back in time. Maybe its time i kick this bad habit, embrace my past and myself and looking ahead instead.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, March 26, 2016 @ 8:57 PM
I just couldn't be more thankful that I have amazing friends around me, to be my support system, for me to be my true self and to always be there for me.

To the ones who willingly offer their companionship when I feel crappy, when I need help, when they know I need listening ears -- Thank you so much.

Its crazy how I moved on from one obstacle to another - there are so many loops to go through in life and there have been setbacks so many times. Regardless is it about studies, career, family, relationships - so many things have happened. Looking back, I sure think I've grown up a fair bit. I've learnt so much.

I haven't been this scared for quite some time. I haven't felt this uncertain for a long time. I have to say for the past couple of years, I thought I've figured things out and I know how my future is gonna look. But hey, was I wrong. For once, I made a decision and I lash it out. Though I don't know what's gonna happen after that, but I did it anyway. It just doesn't feel right anymore, I had to turn my life around. Yes, I'm afraid, I'm very scared I make a wrong move. Ultimately, I was so damn sure that this was it and this is how I'm gonna live in the future. Its like pulling myself out of everything that has been planned out. But I know its a necessary move, I had to do it.

For now I guess all I could do is to keep faith and keep moving. Maybe its true, I'm choosing solitude - but that's the way to learn how to live for myself and to love myself once again.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, January 16, 2016 @ 11:46 AM
Ended my three days juice cleanse with this! Downing my last bottle of juice while the dear friends feast on yummy western food. Damn.

After a year, i went back to start my juice cleanse again, convincing two of my colleagues to join in so i wouldnt be the only one in the office hehe. This time round Im able to expect better what's coming and how i can curb any side effects better. Very impressed by my determination actually, to resist all the temptations. Post the cleanse, I'll attempt to cut down on coffee and processed food.... You know they are my fav and my lifesaver..... But... Here's to healthier me!

Strangely, recently I've been thinking about people and everything that has happened years ago, and i do wish to fix what I've broken before. Then again, that has always been my problem - living in the past way too often. Maybe if i would see you again, i will forget everything from the past and start knowing the new you from day one all over again.
0 comments: leave a comment
Thursday, December 31, 2015 @ 2:58 PM
The end of yet another year. Its been challenging in many aspects. 

New Year Resolutions for 2015 
1. Loving the family, giving my parents an easier time and planning our annual trip :)
Trip went amazingly well. Once again through the trip, have realised how much older they have grown, how much more care they need. So thankful that they have been taking better care of their health this year.

Can't wait for another trip with the parents!!

2. Keep faith, keep going, don't give up. Never felt so right and strong about the connection. Believe it will turn out just the way we want it :)
Many hiccups along the way, and we're still trying. Still still trying. Another test will come along again in 2016, who knows how it will turn out but the best advice I've heard this year is to be objective about love. Feelings can go up and down, but always bear in mind why we started and hang in there.

3. In the workplace, steer clear of negativity, keep learning and keep smiling. Don't make enemies. Stretch yourself further and take the opportunities as they come. I can do better than what I already am!
Career wise, I think I have achieved quite a bit this year. Very thankful for amazing colleagues and team. Very thankful for the change and challenge, I have learnt so much along the way. Love what you hate, I'm so glad I've gone through the very tough times working from 7.30am to 1am, pressure from deadlines, difficult stakeholders, waking up at 4am to clear mails, etc. Now that I'm handing things over, looking back, I'm wondering how I managed to push myself to do this. Pressure make diamonds, now I guess I see it. Many more opportunities coming up next year and I'm glad I said yes to them. Can't wait for more exciting times ahead, can't wait to explore more!

4. Let toxic people go. Don't let them interfere/hinder your life! Keep the ones who are worth it :)
Guilty as charged. I've let them stay, and I've let myself become toxic instead.

5. Challenge yourself! Keep up with the workouts and never let loose.
Started body combat with le sister on sundays :) I remember the first session, I died so horribly and ended up with really bad muscleache for the next 4 days!!! And dear G brought me to a deep tissue massage the very next day, ABSOLUTELY DIED from the pain!!!! Got to continue stepping up and keeping fit and healthy! Diet-wise, I've tried juice cleanse for the very first time! Survived 3 days solely on juices and can I just say I love it???


I guess for 2016, I'm keeping the same resolutions. These are just my priorities I have in my life right now, and I should still continue to improve myself in these areas. Continue spending good amt of time with the family, remember who's important to me. They say 25 is when you step into your quarter life crisis, and dear BFF have reminded me that given how volatile my emotions are, my quarter life crisis probably gonna be real bad. Well, maybe? Who knows. 2015 hasn't been an easy year in many aspects, but I feel myself grow through these times. Keep emotions in check, keep going, keep pushing through. Here's to the best years of my 20s, and I got to make good use of the time I have.

End of the day, all I want is to be happy and be true to myself. Happy 2016 :)
0 comments: leave a comment
Tuesday, June 2, 2015 @ 10:57 PM
Blessing in disguise, maybe.

Maybe we are not mature enough too.
Maybe we are not time-tested yet.
Maybe we are not independent enough yet.
Honestly I was a little scared. And uncertain. And insecure.

I need more time. And I need more.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, April 25, 2015 @ 12:03 AM
Wah! Haven't been blogging as much as before. So much have happened though. To keep track of my life..

Because of some issues, I turned to alcohol again to forget. Always my problem for my inability to make swift decisions in life and not knowing how to deal with problems. I'm always trying to run away from the problems so I turn to alcohol to numb and forget. That cycle went on for a couple of months..

Went on a UK trip with my lovely parents and G came up to visit for a couple days. It was perfect time to get away :) Its always nice to be away for a week or so just to freshen up the mind and explore a new city/town. Realised parents have aged, again. Not as strong and active as before but they're still my best travel companions!! So thankful for their love.. Hope they enjoyed my company too..

Work has been going so well. So end of last year and beginning of the new year were tough times. Real tough times. Now that things have settled, and I've completed my first ten months, its amazing that I'm hearing great feedback from colleagues, mentor, boss, boss' boss, and even for the new role I've stepped up to take in the grad community. Recognition awards from the most unexpected colleagues, even short thank you notes, etc. Really warms my heart and truly a great form of motivation. Big day on Tues and I really really hope I can perform well. Just so grateful for everything. And I'm more than surprised to say I'm actually really attached to the team by now and made amazing friends at work. I know it was one of my resolutions when I first started working to draw a clear line between colleagues and friends but a couple of them are just too sweet and amazing.

I guess to sum it, I really should count my blessings for everything I have and treasure them all. Keep going, keep achieving, keep loving.
0 comments: leave a comment
Sunday, February 8, 2015 @ 10:56 PM
Sometimes I just don't know if I'm expecting too much from myself and from others.
I just feel like its not enough.
There's just something missing, something incomplete. Like more can be done but effort is just not put in.
Do we simply take things for granted just because its there?
Talk is cheap, words come out of one's mouth so easily. Its simple to pledge when you're in the right mood and setting. But how many of that translates into concrete action?
And does the actions translate to the desired outcome?

There's so much to think about.
0 comments: leave a comment