Cynthia; 1991
jtps. lps. cgs. jjc. nus bba.
facebook
tumblr
Wednesday, September 28, 2016 @ 12:06 AM
It turns out to be an unexpected day of realisation, discovery and perhaps a little start to the turning point. On so many levels.

I've always been told that I'm ambitious, that perhaps I have the potential to go far, I am clear of my direction, I have my plans, etc. Even to the point where I don't see them as strongly as how others will put it across to me. But what I always take for granted is I will always be here. What has been presented to me recently seem to have taken a spin. And I could picture a very different future for myself, one i never would see myself in few years back or even one year back. My lunch buddy for today, one whose here for a year and became a friend, told me "you can do way better than this. There is so much more you can do than just this." it triggered memories of this banker whom I interacted with in my very first office job who looked at me with that stunned expression and said "you're 19 now? Business? Yea I'm sure you'll go far in life." it's all these casual comments that somehow lie in the back of my head and they all just come back all at once and made me reconsider how I'm leading my life. Its the first time I put in serious thoughts into it, and to be honest, it scares the he'll out of me. At the same time, it excites me knowing that there are more out there for me. 
This for now remains as an open question but I guess I'm slowly opening that door which I've shut tight since many years before.

And realisation 2, came as a surprise! Which led to many reflections of how I manage my people relations. Well maybe I've been too selfish and always going back to my own ego and defense. It has always been my downfall. Is a weakness i can't seem to shake off for yyyyyears/eons. Doesn't matter that now I'm slowly rebuilding myself and leaving behind loads of my old self behind. There's only so much I can bring forward, and there's so much I need to leave behind and close the chapter. To the toxic relationships which I may have held on for way too long, I think expiration date is up.


0 comments: leave a comment
Friday, September 16, 2016 @ 12:28 AM
"I'm just reflecting what is wrong with me."

So I keep messing things up when it comes to people around me. So it seems the closer we are, the more hurt is inflicted. I'd never forget the first time I experienced it, it's been almost a decade omg when my closest friend in school decided to ignore me altogether for no reason. Up till now, close friends come and go on both good and bad note.

Having said all that.. I have the constant who always got my back and I'm than thankful for that. Maybe I really should just forgo and forget everyone else.
0 comments: leave a comment
Sunday, September 4, 2016 @ 9:57 PM
Lost.

In this deep ocean where its dark, where I find it hard to breathe. Where I let myself sink deeper, let the flow determine where I go. I let myself go entirely, blindly believing in the words I want to hear.

Its been a while, and with each day it gets harder. The extreme ups and downs - its taking away all of my energy. I had painted a future, I could see it happen, I had a plan to follow. It all went haywire after, and so now I'm (still) lost. Trying to find the space I need, fighting to see the light I want to see. But right now, there's still nothing.

明知道答案,却还继续挣扎。我真的被考倒了。



或許淒美 在曖昧
海與夕陽之間金黃的一切
海岸線在起霧 似乎是離別適合的季節
霧散後只看見 長髮的妳出現在岸邊
0 comments: leave a comment
Wednesday, August 24, 2016 @ 12:00 AM
So there you go. Zapping up all my energy stealing all my thoughts.

Had a good long chat and essentially spilling all the beans tonight with a trusted friend. It's been a while since I feel like I've lost my compass and direction. I thought I'd be able to hold up to it and be ok with the mess. But really, I can't. I start to lose track of my own schedule I start to be in a huge mess where I can't make proper decisions.

Do I know where I'm going? Do I need to know where I'm going? Should I follow the flow and follow my heart and risk it all? Or make the most logical decision and feel the pain all over again? I know I really am lost this time. But how do I find the way again?
0 comments: leave a comment
Tuesday, August 9, 2016 @ 7:23 PM
And the trigger.

It finally happened. The scenario I always hope wouldn't. I did what I had to and averted the crisis, I suppose. But it triggered so much more.

It is actually within my control - but I chose up to give up the control.
I know the most rational decision to take - but I chose not to.

So at the end of the day, there is still no answer. And I'm still the same.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, August 6, 2016 @ 2:18 AM
So I've break so many rules.

"Don't ever drink with colleagues!" "Don't spend Friday night's with colleagues!" "Never tell them your personal problems!"

Rules I set for myself before stepping into the workforce thinking I can separate my work and personal life. But when you meet colleagues whom are sincere, genuine and could hit it off with you - they essentially become friends. And you love spending time with them and you trust them.

I found friends amongst the wider team whom I can trust and aligned views and values. I found the ones who support me through my slightly overcast skies when things were going downhill. Hearing my frustrations and mini heart breaks, feeding me ice cream to cheer me up, giving me sound advice and essentially keeping me sane on a day to day. I just couldn't be more thankful to have found amazing companion in the office.

Though, all good things come to an end. I'm happy for them definitely :) I'm just hoping and praying our friendship doesn't end here - like how many other friendships have died away. With the small circle we have, I'm sure one day some way or another we will meet again and work together on a regular basis. And by then we would all be grown up with new perspectives and hopefully with less frustrations.

So perhaps I didn't break the rules. I just forgot the possibility of making friends from colleagues. :')
0 comments: leave a comment
Monday, July 4, 2016 @ 8:39 AM
If i were a better person, I should be there with you now, fulfiling the "future" we once talked about, the "future" I pictured in my head as the end of a chapter and beginning of a brand new one where we never have to walk alone again.

If I were a better person, I wouldn't be hiding behind the screen trying to guess how you have been, showing concern while hiding and still hoping for nothing.

If I were a better person, we would be a better pair.

But I eventually chose to forgo them all because the heart and mind couldn't align. I tried working through it but maybe I didn't work hard enough or maybe somethings just can't be worked out.

这次是真的失望了。
1 comments: leave a comment
Monday, May 30, 2016 @ 12:02 AM
"So what do you do during weekends now that you're free?"

It was get back in shape weekend!!!
Fri night was spent with great bunch of people - all who are colleagues who turn into friends.
Spent my Saturday morning in the gym with my sister. Went to one at a different location this time round due to class' timing and I absolutely loved the view from the gym.
Short run with me bff on Sunday morn, n sinful but light breakfast after. Cycling with the uni friends in the late afternoon at one of my fav but far places in sg.

Its been a really lovely weekend meeting people I love and getting my muscles work out.

"Honestly there is no difference. I had always been on my own during weekends anyway."
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, May 7, 2016 @ 10:05 AM
Old habits.

Back to drinks. Back to my immature self who just wants to feel like i can't feel and can't think.

It took my great commitment to stop. There was a good reason for me to stop. But not anymore. It pushes me the other way now.

I really wonder what is it that i need for me to get my life in place. Or like what everyone says, go out and get wild for I'm still young. I guess so long i hang in to my core, my actions would follow. So long i betray myself no more.

Can't wait for adventures ahead of me.
0 comments: leave a comment
Monday, April 25, 2016 @ 10:21 PM
所以最后,还是失望的放弃了。

对我来说这又是多一次的惨败。我第一次成熟的,不被感情冲昏脑袋地经营,最后还是失败散场。对自己可还比对任何人更失望。我到底又哪里犯错了?

青涩的我,中学时 和我较亲的老师,朋友,说了我的梦想。也就是一个很简单,很朴实的梦想。却一次次的被摔毁。不到十六岁,就交了个男朋友。到了今天却还不懂怎么经营一段感情。

身边的朋友,亲人,也应该厌倦了吧!说真的,我也累了。我已经不明白了。或许在别人眼里,到了现在我应该什么都麻木了吧。说实在的,我也以为会如此。但今天谈起往事,聊起过去的点滴,心里却还是不由自主的。。痛了。哎!原来还有知觉!幸亏啊!

这四年来,我学会了闭嘴 - 不要把所有的事都摊开。不是每个在身边的会明白,会体谅。我学会了有些事只能放在心里。所以最后,当我决定开口把话说明,听着自己的声音,听着从我口中说出脑子里和心里说出来的 - 我也痛了。

虽然终于明白自己真正的心情,但还是没有后悔,没有遗憾。更不怪谁。也只剩下回忆,和对自己的失望。

朋友,同事们的关心,我也心领了。只是要从新出发,现在也太早了。我想学会更加爱自己,把心思放在自己的身上。那卑微的梦想,就随缘吧。。
0 comments: leave a comment
Tuesday, April 19, 2016 @ 7:22 PM
你的温柔迟到了。
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, April 9, 2016 @ 6:41 AM
So i learnt something new about myself tonight.

When i was 21, i stopped myself from doing certain things because i was convinced they were wrong, and i was commited. Just a few years later, i thought i must have missed out on some fun & experience because i made that commitment. So i tried to live the experience to make up for the "loss". But what i realised, you can never ever do that. When you made a commitment, you can never reverse it. It still feels to be wrong and i did not enjoy nor persist with it.

It was still good, knowing myself a little more, an unexpected lesson. In fact, while it messes up my mind more, it gives me more clarity at the same time.

I guess I've learnt well by the time im 21 and i should never doubt my past decisions made or try to go back in time. Maybe its time i kick this bad habit, embrace my past and myself and looking ahead instead.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, March 26, 2016 @ 8:57 PM
I just couldn't be more thankful that I have amazing friends around me, to be my support system, for me to be my true self and to always be there for me.

To the ones who willingly offer their companionship when I feel crappy, when I need help, when they know I need listening ears -- Thank you so much.

Its crazy how I moved on from one obstacle to another - there are so many loops to go through in life and there have been setbacks so many times. Regardless is it about studies, career, family, relationships - so many things have happened. Looking back, I sure think I've grown up a fair bit. I've learnt so much.

I haven't been this scared for quite some time. I haven't felt this uncertain for a long time. I have to say for the past couple of years, I thought I've figured things out and I know how my future is gonna look. But hey, was I wrong. For once, I made a decision and I lash it out. Though I don't know what's gonna happen after that, but I did it anyway. It just doesn't feel right anymore, I had to turn my life around. Yes, I'm afraid, I'm very scared I make a wrong move. Ultimately, I was so damn sure that this was it and this is how I'm gonna live in the future. Its like pulling myself out of everything that has been planned out. But I know its a necessary move, I had to do it.

For now I guess all I could do is to keep faith and keep moving. Maybe its true, I'm choosing solitude - but that's the way to learn how to live for myself and to love myself once again.
0 comments: leave a comment
Saturday, January 16, 2016 @ 11:46 AM
Ended my three days juice cleanse with this! Downing my last bottle of juice while the dear friends feast on yummy western food. Damn.

After a year, i went back to start my juice cleanse again, convincing two of my colleagues to join in so i wouldnt be the only one in the office hehe. This time round Im able to expect better what's coming and how i can curb any side effects better. Very impressed by my determination actually, to resist all the temptations. Post the cleanse, I'll attempt to cut down on coffee and processed food.... You know they are my fav and my lifesaver..... But... Here's to healthier me!

Strangely, recently I've been thinking about people and everything that has happened years ago, and i do wish to fix what I've broken before. Then again, that has always been my problem - living in the past way too often. Maybe if i would see you again, i will forget everything from the past and start knowing the new you from day one all over again.
0 comments: leave a comment
Thursday, December 31, 2015 @ 2:58 PM
The end of yet another year. Its been challenging in many aspects. 

New Year Resolutions for 2015 
1. Loving the family, giving my parents an easier time and planning our annual trip :)
Trip went amazingly well. Once again through the trip, have realised how much older they have grown, how much more care they need. So thankful that they have been taking better care of their health this year.

Can't wait for another trip with the parents!!

2. Keep faith, keep going, don't give up. Never felt so right and strong about the connection. Believe it will turn out just the way we want it :)
Many hiccups along the way, and we're still trying. Still still trying. Another test will come along again in 2016, who knows how it will turn out but the best advice I've heard this year is to be objective about love. Feelings can go up and down, but always bear in mind why we started and hang in there.

3. In the workplace, steer clear of negativity, keep learning and keep smiling. Don't make enemies. Stretch yourself further and take the opportunities as they come. I can do better than what I already am!
Career wise, I think I have achieved quite a bit this year. Very thankful for amazing colleagues and team. Very thankful for the change and challenge, I have learnt so much along the way. Love what you hate, I'm so glad I've gone through the very tough times working from 7.30am to 1am, pressure from deadlines, difficult stakeholders, waking up at 4am to clear mails, etc. Now that I'm handing things over, looking back, I'm wondering how I managed to push myself to do this. Pressure make diamonds, now I guess I see it. Many more opportunities coming up next year and I'm glad I said yes to them. Can't wait for more exciting times ahead, can't wait to explore more!

4. Let toxic people go. Don't let them interfere/hinder your life! Keep the ones who are worth it :)
Guilty as charged. I've let them stay, and I've let myself become toxic instead.

5. Challenge yourself! Keep up with the workouts and never let loose.
Started body combat with le sister on sundays :) I remember the first session, I died so horribly and ended up with really bad muscleache for the next 4 days!!! And dear G brought me to a deep tissue massage the very next day, ABSOLUTELY DIED from the pain!!!! Got to continue stepping up and keeping fit and healthy! Diet-wise, I've tried juice cleanse for the very first time! Survived 3 days solely on juices and can I just say I love it???


I guess for 2016, I'm keeping the same resolutions. These are just my priorities I have in my life right now, and I should still continue to improve myself in these areas. Continue spending good amt of time with the family, remember who's important to me. They say 25 is when you step into your quarter life crisis, and dear BFF have reminded me that given how volatile my emotions are, my quarter life crisis probably gonna be real bad. Well, maybe? Who knows. 2015 hasn't been an easy year in many aspects, but I feel myself grow through these times. Keep emotions in check, keep going, keep pushing through. Here's to the best years of my 20s, and I got to make good use of the time I have.

End of the day, all I want is to be happy and be true to myself. Happy 2016 :)
0 comments: leave a comment