Saturday, October 8, 2016 @ 2:21 PM
The 5ams, the fear, the lies, those tears amidst the hearty laughter. Long overdue, toxic, I let myself sink.
There's been triggers which pierced through my heart, which woke me up despite wanting to stay in denial, despite wanting to believe endlessly.
But now it's time to go. I choose the light, not the darkness. I choose the right, not the lie. I choose a better me, not the vulnerable self.
用新的幸福 把遗憾包着 就这么朝着 未来前进了
Wednesday, October 5, 2016 @ 12:11 AM
While being strong, I'm still weak. While being self-sufficient, I still need the selfless care. While being crazy, I still need to be happy.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016 @ 12:06 AM
I've always been told that I'm ambitious, that perhaps I have the potential to go far, I am clear of my direction, I have my plans, etc. Even to the point where I don't see them as strongly as how others will put it across to me. But what I always take for granted is I will always be here. What has been presented to me recently seem to have taken a spin. And I could picture a very different future for myself, one i never would see myself in few years back or even one year back. My lunch buddy for today, one whose here for a year and became a friend, told me "you can do way better than this. There is so much more you can do than just this." it triggered memories of this banker whom I interacted with in my very first office job who looked at me with that stunned expression and said "you're 19 now? Business? Yea I'm sure you'll go far in life." it's all these casual comments that somehow lie in the back of my head and they all just come back all at once and made me reconsider how I'm leading my life. Its the first time I put in serious thoughts into it, and to be honest, it scares the he'll out of me. At the same time, it excites me knowing that there are more out there for me.
This for now remains as an open question but I guess I'm slowly opening that door which I've shut tight since many years before.
And realisation 2, came as a surprise! Which led to many reflections of how I manage my people relations. Well maybe I've been too selfish and always going back to my own ego and defense. It has always been my downfall. Is a weakness i can't seem to shake off for yyyyyears/eons. Doesn't matter that now I'm slowly rebuilding myself and leaving behind loads of my old self behind. There's only so much I can bring forward, and there's so much I need to leave behind and close the chapter. To the toxic relationships which I may have held on for way too long, I think expiration date is up.
Friday, September 16, 2016 @ 12:28 AM
So I keep messing things up when it comes to people around me. So it seems the closer we are, the more hurt is inflicted. I'd never forget the first time I experienced it, it's been almost a decade omg when my closest friend in school decided to ignore me altogether for no reason. Up till now, close friends come and go on both good and bad note.
Having said all that.. I have the constant who always got my back and I'm than thankful for that. Maybe I really should just forgo and forget everyone else.
Sunday, September 4, 2016 @ 9:57 PM
In this deep ocean where its dark, where I find it hard to breathe. Where I let myself sink deeper, let the flow determine where I go. I let myself go entirely, blindly believing in the words I want to hear.
Its been a while, and with each day it gets harder. The extreme ups and downs - its taking away all of my energy. I had painted a future, I could see it happen, I had a plan to follow. It all went haywire after, and so now I'm (still) lost. Trying to find the space I need, fighting to see the light I want to see. But right now, there's still nothing.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016 @ 12:00 AM
Had a good long chat and essentially spilling all the beans tonight with a trusted friend. It's been a while since I feel like I've lost my compass and direction. I thought I'd be able to hold up to it and be ok with the mess. But really, I can't. I start to lose track of my own schedule I start to be in a huge mess where I can't make proper decisions.
Do I know where I'm going? Do I need to know where I'm going? Should I follow the flow and follow my heart and risk it all? Or make the most logical decision and feel the pain all over again? I know I really am lost this time. But how do I find the way again?
Tuesday, August 9, 2016 @ 7:23 PM
It finally happened. The scenario I always hope wouldn't. I did what I had to and averted the crisis, I suppose. But it triggered so much more.
It is actually within my control - but I chose up to give up the control.
I know the most rational decision to take - but I chose not to.
So at the end of the day, there is still no answer. And I'm still the same.
Saturday, August 6, 2016 @ 2:18 AM
"Don't ever drink with colleagues!" "Don't spend Friday night's with colleagues!" "Never tell them your personal problems!"
Rules I set for myself before stepping into the workforce thinking I can separate my work and personal life. But when you meet colleagues whom are sincere, genuine and could hit it off with you - they essentially become friends. And you love spending time with them and you trust them.
I found friends amongst the wider team whom I can trust and aligned views and values. I found the ones who support me through my slightly overcast skies when things were going downhill. Hearing my frustrations and mini heart breaks, feeding me ice cream to cheer me up, giving me sound advice and essentially keeping me sane on a day to day. I just couldn't be more thankful to have found amazing companion in the office.
Though, all good things come to an end. I'm happy for them definitely :) I'm just hoping and praying our friendship doesn't end here - like how many other friendships have died away. With the small circle we have, I'm sure one day some way or another we will meet again and work together on a regular basis. And by then we would all be grown up with new perspectives and hopefully with less frustrations.
So perhaps I didn't break the rules. I just forgot the possibility of making friends from colleagues. :')
Monday, July 4, 2016 @ 8:39 AM
If I were a better person, I wouldn't be hiding behind the screen trying to guess how you have been, showing concern while hiding and still hoping for nothing.
If I were a better person, we would be a better pair.
But I eventually chose to forgo them all because the heart and mind couldn't align. I tried working through it but maybe I didn't work hard enough or maybe somethings just can't be worked out.
Monday, May 30, 2016 @ 12:02 AM
It was get back in shape weekend!!!
Fri night was spent with great bunch of people - all who are colleagues who turn into friends.
Spent my Saturday morning in the gym with my sister. Went to one at a different location this time round due to class' timing and I absolutely loved the view from the gym.
Short run with me bff on Sunday morn, n sinful but light breakfast after. Cycling with the uni friends in the late afternoon at one of my fav but far places in sg.
Its been a really lovely weekend meeting people I love and getting my muscles work out.
"Honestly there is no difference. I had always been on my own during weekends anyway."
Saturday, May 7, 2016 @ 10:05 AM
Back to drinks. Back to my immature self who just wants to feel like i can't feel and can't think.
It took my great commitment to stop. There was a good reason for me to stop. But not anymore. It pushes me the other way now.
I really wonder what is it that i need for me to get my life in place. Or like what everyone says, go out and get wild for I'm still young. I guess so long i hang in to my core, my actions would follow. So long i betray myself no more.
Can't wait for adventures ahead of me.
Monday, April 25, 2016 @ 10:21 PM
这四年来,我学会了闭嘴 - 不要把所有的事都摊开。不是每个在身边的会明白,会体谅。我学会了有些事只能放在心里。所以最后,当我决定开口把话说明,听着自己的声音,听着从我口中说出脑子里和心里说出来的 - 我也痛了。
Tuesday, April 19, 2016 @ 7:22 PM
Saturday, April 9, 2016 @ 6:41 AM
When i was 21, i stopped myself from doing certain things because i was convinced they were wrong, and i was commited. Just a few years later, i thought i must have missed out on some fun & experience because i made that commitment. So i tried to live the experience to make up for the "loss". But what i realised, you can never ever do that. When you made a commitment, you can never reverse it. It still feels to be wrong and i did not enjoy nor persist with it.
It was still good, knowing myself a little more, an unexpected lesson. In fact, while it messes up my mind more, it gives me more clarity at the same time.
I guess I've learnt well by the time im 21 and i should never doubt my past decisions made or try to go back in time. Maybe its time i kick this bad habit, embrace my past and myself and looking ahead instead.
Saturday, March 26, 2016 @ 8:57 PM
To the ones who willingly offer their companionship when I feel crappy, when I need help, when they know I need listening ears -- Thank you so much.
Its crazy how I moved on from one obstacle to another - there are so many loops to go through in life and there have been setbacks so many times. Regardless is it about studies, career, family, relationships - so many things have happened. Looking back, I sure think I've grown up a fair bit. I've learnt so much.
I haven't been this scared for quite some time. I haven't felt this uncertain for a long time. I have to say for the past couple of years, I thought I've figured things out and I know how my future is gonna look. But hey, was I wrong. For once, I made a decision and I lash it out. Though I don't know what's gonna happen after that, but I did it anyway. It just doesn't feel right anymore, I had to turn my life around. Yes, I'm afraid, I'm very scared I make a wrong move. Ultimately, I was so damn sure that this was it and this is how I'm gonna live in the future. Its like pulling myself out of everything that has been planned out. But I know its a necessary move, I had to do it.
For now I guess all I could do is to keep faith and keep moving. Maybe its true, I'm choosing solitude - but that's the way to learn how to live for myself and to love myself once again.